if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize