He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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