She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
