giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
