i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
