Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
