Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
