i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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