im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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