Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
