If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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