if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
