You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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