Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
