I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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