I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
