My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
