Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
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Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
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I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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