i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
