I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you inspire me to be a worse person
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize