Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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