sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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