I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
