dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
