Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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