Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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