I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
