I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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