she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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