between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
