On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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