You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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