She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
