jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
