i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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