Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
