But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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