im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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