The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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