im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
