I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
