i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
