Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
