I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
