watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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