they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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