I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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