if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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