I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
