So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
