They should really pass out barf bags in church
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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