Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
