I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
