she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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