tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
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Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
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I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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