Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Randomize
