ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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