You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
