my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
